Greetings Fellow Nerds!
It’s an absolute scorcher here in the Carolinas at Nerd Nation HQ this August, and ’tis the season for everyone with a couple grand in their pockets to get out in the backyard and film some stupid, unprofessional, awful-looking movie.
I said it.
Because somebody needs to.
Your no-budget backyard/amateur film making “efforts” just flat out SUCK!
Now, you may have your little rebuttal of they are new, starting out, burgeoning filmmakers that will get better with time, and you would also be WRONG. 99.9% of all of these *cough* movies are shot on shoddy consumer cameras, or (yes, I’m serious) even cell phone cameras. I mean, I know the quality of those cameras have improved, but not to the point of filming a real flick on them… no… just no.
Then we get to the actual acting, production, post-production and what they deem as promo. Getting your buddies together that can’t act their way through a pre-school graduation play, aforementioned cheap home video, no scene set-ups, no lighting or sound guy making sure it’s all synched up correctly, and that one guy who can draw horrific images really well, does not make for entertainment aside from watching the first 5 minutes and commenting on how abysmal you are before going and doing something more productive with our lives… like sleeping, or eating, or taking a dump.
Then we get to what you perceive as good press or promotion… take note kids, when you don’t spend money and put together a promo pack mailer, you have already shown your laziness and ineptitude. If you were making a legitimate film, then you would have no problem going through proper channels and mailing in said promo pack for viewing and information. Trolling on social media and sending publications private messages 3 pages long with all the bio and information is an automatic delete for most press outlets… at least for me at the Nerd Nation and Mortis camps. What’s even worse than that is when you go posting your crappy videos all over people’s personal Facebook pages over and over. Oh no. We get it. We just don’t care.
DON’T GET ME WRONG! There are A LOT of great independent filmmakers out there who do frankly amazing things on little or no budget… I am NOT talking about these people. They know what they’re doing, and they work even harder than the big boys because they have to do so much more to cover up their lack of budget. But THEY actually UNDERSTAND the “Three R’s Rule” (Resources. Rehearsal. Really Good Story. – Learn it. Love it. Live it.) — Also, their films don’t look like crappy soap operas or home videos from 1992, their actors don’t sound like they’re doing a local life insurance or discount lawyers commercial, and their editing doesn’t look like some average Stiff with no business near a camera or editing software did it. THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT FILMMAKERS. THEY’RE JUST WASTES OF TIME.
Bottom line… I’ll take a line from Adult Swim’s Rick and Morty and say GET YOUR S**T TOGETHER! If you want to make a movie, great, just do it in a professional manner. Go take some acting classes, take some photography and video classes and actually LEARN about what you want to do, instead of using YouTube and Google for everything. No one wants to see a bunch of morons running around with bad… well, everything. After all, we see that every day already in normal life.
This is Dave Ward and you have just warped through The Negative Space.
Columnist, Resident Grouch, and First Ambassador: Federation Starship Nerd Nation
Please Note: the views and opinions expressed by Mr. Ward are entirely his own and do not necessarily reflect those of Nerd Nation Magazine, our sponsors, or anyone else, for that matter. This is an opinion column, and is intended for entertainment purposes only, so please don’t be a d-bag and try to sue anyone over the stuff he writes. If it offends and/or infuriates, we encourage you to just go read something else… preferably right here on Nerd Nation!