The Negative Space (w/ Dave Ward) – issue #16: Michael Bay Sucks (and should probably explode)

Greetings Fellow Nerds!  Welcome to another extra-salty edition of The Negative Space!

A little birdie told me a few of you have missed me coming around and pooping all over your sunbathing in the worlds of fandom… I am touched.. No, really… I’m touching myself. Not like that, mind you, in a totally professional manner. Jeez, get your minds out of the gutter! This is a PG publication!

Anyway,  since no new movies have come out for me to bash just yet, lets just get into someone who gets on my nerves just as much as Tim Burton and J.J. Abrams…  someone who, let’s just say completes the unholy trifecta of world class overpaid crap directors, none other than Michael Bay!

Yes… Michael Bay, who has made a living out of invading your minds with either bad cop/criminal drama, sad documentaries, or completely ruined childhood cartoons. Even though he defends himself by saying he makes movies for teenage boys (yes, he actually did say that – Google it, if you feel the need), he even manages to do a miserable job at that.  There are a couple of jewels in this turd-filled punchbowl (just barely) but for the most part (as in the vast majority) Hollywood just keeps handing this guy money to churn out more mindless drivel. And why? Well, simply put, because of people who keep paying to go see these awful, awful films. — Yes, sadly there are plenty of, let’s just say “average minded” types who keep spending their money on this formulaic, nonsensical garbage.

We all know he’s dropped a gigantic deuce on the ‘Transformers’ franchise, and I could go off on how terrible that is by itself for hours; but lets look at a few of the other gems that have somehow made it into theaters for people to headshake, facepalm, and (hopefully) projectile vomit at..

– Both ‘Bad Boys’ movies… ugh. So by the time ‘Bad Boys’ came out, I think Hollywood and the general public had both seen enough of the cop/military/whatever else smash up dramas.  I mean you were going against a couple of decades of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris, and those Lethal Weapon guys (who finally, actually got too old for that s**t!).  And so did the public, yet another one came out..why?

– Pearl Harbor and 13 Hours:  Really? Really!?! Between being horribly historically inaccurate and ongoing investigations, how does one actually get green lit to do something like this!?! Seriously, how? Because I’m very certain I can write something much better, and I’ll only charge you half of what you paid Bay. Take note, Hollywood. I’m available!

– Armageddon: I thought that’s what was going to happen when Aerosmith released the epic power ballad to go along with it. You know, that one. I assure you, I DID wanna close my eyes, I DID wanna fall asleep, and I honestly wish I missed the whole thing. Somehow a lot of people thought both the movie and song were good, but I was clearly not among them. I could be alone on this one, but I don’t care. It was garbage.

 

– The Island: This one just wasn’t even worth mentioning. Did anyone even care about this one at all? To be fair, serveral reports state that during production Scarlett Johansson wanted to go topless, and Michael Bay wouldn’t let her. If that’s not a good enough reason on its own to hate this man, I don’t know what is.

– The Rock: I am convinced that between The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and Michael Bay’s The Rock are what drove Sean Connery to quit making movies, despite the gigantic paychecks.  The man has so much actual acting integrity, he couldn’t bear to work with crap anymore. Just my theory there, of course.

– TMNT: Okay, so you can’t blame the remake of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles entirely on Michael Bay, but he had a lot to do with that gigantic pile of crap, and should be held accountable for at least part of that cinematic failure, too. If you thought Transformers was bad (and it was), prepare to find out first hand that it actually CAN get so, so much worse. Oh, you liked the original TMNT as a kid? Well, screw you, says Bay. He doesn’t make movies for you. He hates adults that see his films, and that includes intelligent people, self-respecting moviegoers, and anyone who doesn’t agree with him, apparently.

The bottom line here is that Michael Bay and his ever-growing assortment of garage movies are yet another example of how society dumbs itself down, and enablers like Mr. Bay ensure IQ points are lowered as his bank account grows. Maybe one day the gods will take pity on us, and he’ll just blow up in one of his “signature” explosions. We can only hope.

So what do you dear readers think? Do you agree? Do you disagree? Do you just want to rant about how much you hate me and my articles? Do it in the comments section below, or don’t, I don’t care.

This is Dave Ward and you have warped through the Negative Space.

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-Dave Ward
Columnist, Resident Grouch, and First Ambassador: Federation Starship Nerd Nation
@DaveWard1279

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Please Note: the views and opinions expressed by Mr. Ward are entirely his own and do not necessarily reflect those of Nerd Nation Magazine, our sponsors, or anyone else, for that matter. This is an opinion column, and is intended for entertainment purposes only, so please don’t be a d-bag and try to sue anyone over the stuff he writes. If it offends and/or infuriates, we encourage you to simply go read something else… preferably right here at Nerd Nation!