“The Negative Space” (w/ Dave Ward) – issue #6: Hollywood: The Evil Remake Machine!

Greetings Fellow Nerds! February may be the season for hearts, flowers, romance, and happiness, but Hollywood has been in a sad state of affairs for quite some time now. These days it seems about nine-out-of-every-ten Writers and Directors get bucket-loads of money to churn out three very specific flavors of crap… typically, it’s thoughtless, meaningless drivel, or politically/socially motivated propaganda; but then there is the third one, reserved for the most idiotic, unoriginal saps of them all.. The ones who do remakes.

Remaking a classic film, or TV series is a risky venture at best, because you are subject to a completely different interpretation of what you have seen previously that made what you watched so great. It seems that this current generation of film makers in Hollywood have latched on to what inspired them as kids and young adults, but not in a way that inspires anything new, its like they become obsessed with turning what they watched into what they thought things should be; and that’s all fine, but maybe the reason yours flopped, and the original is still kicking is, oh, I don’t know… BECAUSE IT WAS DONE RIGHT THE FIRST TIME!!!

Lets look at just a few of the piles of excrement that have been remade, or are in the works of being remade as of the time this article goes to print.

Godzilla-comp-hp-GQ-14May14_rex_b_642x390Godzilla. – Americans just need to stop.. Two American Godzilla remakes and both of them supposedly from fans of the originals.. Right.. One was a giant pissed off Iguana, and the other was the equivalent of a pissed off hermit fat kid.. Advice: Leave the G man to the experts at Toho. The first one is commonly known as GINO (“Godzilla In Name Only”) for a very good reason… the other isn’t much better. Just stop guys, just stop.

Didn’t need to go on a epic quest to figure this one out…

Indiana Jones. – I had the proverbial “Mic Drop” when I read about this happening. You are seriously going to remake one of the greatest movie trilogies of all time? (yes, TRILOGY, because we are absolutely NOT counting this “Crystal Skull” disaster, or whatever that was) just.. no.. Harrison Ford is Dr. Jones, period. Do you go to the Louvre and draw a mustache on the Mona Lisa?? Who am I kidding, that’s exactly what Hollywood does all too often. I could say so much more, but you get the point.

Ghostbusters: “the female version” – OK, let me start off with I am not sexist, and it’s pretty sad that I have to. It’s 2015, for god sakes, get out of the dark ages, already. I believe humans are all humans that should have all the same rights. NOW, my beef with this is that it is being done just for the sake of saying “HEY, lets re-do this, but with GIRLS this time! YEAH! That will complete it! And anyone who dares criticize it will just get labeled sexist, so it’s critic-proof!” No… The original Ghostbusters movie is legendary, it had Ivan Reitman as director, Harold Ramis, Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray, and Ernie Hudson all being old school comedy actors, who ad-libbed, and improvised half of that movie. The original flavor, comedy and organic substance of what made that flick so awesome will not be in this scripted, stringently filmed set. Comedy actors or not, it’s just going to suck. And it would absolutely suck if it were females, males, or otherwise.

It’s okay… you can admit it. This IS what this really is!

Any TV series that mimics the 80’s Friday the 13th. I.E. the Librarians, Warehouse 13, etc… We get it, okay? It’s crazy fun time in a secret warehouse, and we gotta save the world so the evil ones don’t get these items. Not that there’s anything wrong with these series in particular, just c’mon, can we please have some marginally-more-original concepts?

I hear that in the next few years that Marvel is planning on going a different direction with every one of its superhero movies. New actors, new directors, and starting over.. WHY??? You cast the best people for most of these roles to begin with, and you just switch gears in the middle of a growing successful empire??!! What drugs are you people on?! That one better be just a rumor, seriously.

I agree, Captain. I agree.

So here you have it. Just a few examples of the state of Hollywood today, thanks to a couple of generations of kids thinking they can fix what was not broken. Nothing is sacred anymore. Agree? Disagree? Don’t care either way? Leave some feedback in the comments below and let me know what you like, what you don’t like, or whatever you’d like.

This is Dave Ward, and you have just warped through The Negative Space.

-Dave Ward
First Ambassador/Resident Grouch

Federation Starship: Nerd Nation

Please Note: The views and opinions expressed by Mr. Ward in “The Negative Space” are his and his alone. They do not necessarily reflect those of Nerd Nation Magazine, or anyone else… so please, don’t be a d-bag and try to sue anyone over the stuff he writes. It’s called an opinion… don’t like it? The internet is a big place. Just read something else… preferably on here! =)

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