“The Negative Space” (w/ Dave Ward) – Issue #4: BABYMETAL: the bubblegum nightmare of metalheads everywhere!

Seasons Greetings Nerds!

Ye Olde Grinch is back with another unprovoked attack on the little Whos down in Whoville that make this world crap-tacular! I decided to switch gears for the December edition of The Negative Space and do something of the non-screen variety; as I am also a huge music nerd and avid metalhead. There is this great disturbance that has grown from a little singularity on the isle of Japan, to now infiltrating some of the best metal festivals on Earth, leaving metalheads either looking on in disgust and confusion, or (more frighteningly) becoming fans.. This great disturbance is powerful and is not to be taken lightly, for too many, too often enjoy the sight of little prepubescent Japanese girls bouncing around… this threat is known as… BABYMETAL…

To properly explain this potential black hole of methane and despair, we need to look at what this was born from, which is a genre of music only found in Japan and neighboring countries known as J-Pop. J-Pop is basically what America’s pop infatuation with bubblegum pop, top-40 rap/hip-hop, etc.. is in Asia, heavily influenced by 80’s synthpop and old 60’s beach music; needless to say very odd-sounding. J-Pop of course garnered a Western following due to the Anime explosion of the late 1990’s, and still has a large world following including the U.S. As with anything else that has been bastardised in the music industry ovr the years, there was some mastermind producer behind the building of this as well. Bringing members of two other disbanded pop groups and had a vision of putting metal into the same pot as J-Pop and seeing what horror emerged, and then we saw… and boy was it ever horrible.

Now, Metal is a genre of aggression, venting frustration (hell, venting emotion period) but usually of the negative variety, some tale of woe or profession of belief attached; but thats not bad, because thats what Metal is intended for. Instead, we now have songs from this BABYMETAL band like “Doki Doki Morning” (roughly translated “excited morning”), “Gimmie Chocolate!”, “Megitsune” (female foxes), and “Head Bangya”.. All primarily techno-synth with a backup metal band in the background, dressed in full body skeleton kimono.. I guess to look more creepy that they are playing metal with a bunch of Japanese tweens?? Yes, lets all sit here for a moment and take in the hard reality that these girls are 15 and 16 years old, 10 and 11 when they first started.. Now don’t you feel dirty?

My great fear is that with this incarnation of blasphemy rising, Metal will have to endure some sort of pop-integration again (remember the garbage that was nu-metal/rap metal anyone?), and even worse, these moguls have found a way to turn this into something of the likes of what happened with Menudo, once the girls get too old (I.E. past 16), they get axed and three more little tween-age girls take their place and keeps the kiddie cycle going, which is heartbreaking, and angering..

If you want teenagers with actual, REAL, Metal talent and heart, I suggest checking out Unlocking the Truth. I do hope this little trend doesn’t last, and the poor cats that are stuck playing some decent backup Metal in skull kimonos have a legitimate Metal band of their own some day. But, as we all must digress, such is the way of the music industry… forever playing to the lowest common denominator, and producing “hits” for the dumbest, tasteless, and typically most annoying of the masses. Or, who knows, maybe my friends and I are just all officially “too old” and “just don’t get it” — even if that’s the case… if “too old” is what you have to be to hate this bubblegum middle-school garbage, then I’ll proudly say get the hell off my lawn!

This is Dave Ward, and you have just warped through The Negative Space.

-Dave Ward: First Ambassador/Resident Grouch
Federation Starship: Nerd Nation

Note: The views and opinions expressed by Mr. Ward in “The Negative Space” are his and his alone. They do not necessarily reflect those of Nerd Nation Magazine, or anyone else… so please, don’t be a d-bag and try to sue anyone over the stuff he writes. It’s called an opinion… don’t like it? The internet is a big place. Just read something else… preferably on here! =)