Rocky Horror Picture Show – a How-To Guide for Audience Participation

For decades now, The Rocky Horror Picture Show has been a “Cult Classic” in every sense of the word. The bizarre, over-the-top, and very unapologetic sci-fi/horror musical/gender-bending rock opera is a true, undeniable legend of cinema; one that cemented the legacies of such stars as Tim Curry, Susan Sarandon, and even Meat Loaf. But it’s not just the film itself… far from it, even! The Rocky Horror Picture Show is all about the fans… and more specifically, the audience participation!

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For literally as long as this writer can remember, The RHPS has screened in theaters every single weekend all over America (and likely far beyond our borders, too) – with a rabid, furiously loyal fan base that has become as legendary and infamous as (and perhaps even more-so than) the highly-controversial film itself.

During each showing of “Rocky” (as it’s commonly known to pretty much everyone) a group of loyal fans will do a Shadowcast (as in, literally dress up in the costumes and act out the film as it’s being shown) while the rest of the audience will engage in pre-planned shenanigans and hurl hilariously insulting lines at them/the movie/each other. Think of it as one part dinner theater, one part drag show, one part roast, and of course, all parts insanity! First-timers are referred to as “virgins” and are often given small parts in the experience, heavily teased by everyone, and most importantly, given a big “V” courtesy of a marker and/or lipstick on their foreheads.

It’s always a really fun, entertaining, and most of all memorable experience, that (in my humble opinion) everyone should enjoy at least once or twice in their lives. Hell, for the previous teenage version of yours truly (way back sometime last century) it was even something of a rite of passage.

But with an experience this grandiose, intricate, and especially fully interactive, it can very quickly and easily get very confusing. After all, there’s a lot to take in here!  That’s why we at Nerd Nation have done some research and scoured our own memory banks for an official ROCKY HORROR HOW-TO GUIDE!!

PLEASE NOTE: the following contains very strong language, highly suggestive themes, and very insensitive dialogue. It is absolutely NSFW, children, or anyone easily offended. It is presented in its original, unedited form, and many of its contents may be very offensive to some of our readers. Viewer discretion advised.

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Seriously, you click past this “read more” tag you’re doing so at your own risk! You’ve been warned!


Still here? OKAY!  Well, hopefully you read the disclaimer and don’t get offended easily/at all. Here goes!!

First… Some General Information:
Audience instructions are in [square brackets]. Text in “quotes”
is to be shouted. The instruction ‘Echo’ indicates that the
following line is to be shouted in unison with the film.

Whenever Brad appears, or is introduced in some way
the line “Asshole!” is appropriate.
When Janet is introduced or appears, the line “Slut!” is
appropriate. (Note: If this is before she is actually a “slut”, the
response “She’s not a slut yet, give her a chance” is
appropriate, to be answered by, “We gave her a chance last
week and she blew it.”)
Whenever the Narrator (Charles Gray) appears, the following
lines and variants are appropriate:
“He’s got no fucking neck!” “A chicken stepped on this man’s
forehead” “Your mother should have fucked a giraffe” “Wipe that
ass off your chin”.
Dr. Scott may be booed or yell “Kiss Ass!”.

NOW… THE SCRIPT!! 
(feel free to copy/paste/print this for your own use – script courtesy of various RHPS shadowcasts and websites… you all know who you are, and thank you!)

SCIENCE FICTION/DOUBLE FEATURE

[“Lips!” until music starts (“Thank You”)]

[“A long, long, time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away, God said,
“Let there be lips!” And there were. And they were good.”]

Trixie (lips): Michael Rennie was ill
The Day the Earth Stood Still
But he told us where we stand. [“On our feet”]
And Flash Gordon was there
In silver [echo “edible”] underwear, [“It was gold!”]
Claude Rains was the Invisible Man. [“I saw him!”]
Then something went wrong
For Fay Wray and [echo “fucked”] King Kong; [echo “her dong”]
They got caught in a celluloid [echo “sexual”] jam.[“yay smuckers”]
Then at a deadly pace
It Came From [echo “on”] [“where?”] Outer Space [echo”Janet’s
face” “thank you”]
And this is how the message ran:
[“Freeze!”]

Chorus: Science fiction [sing “ooh ooh ooh”], double feature
[sing “Wah wah wah”]
Doctor X [“Sex Sex Sex”] will build a creature.
See androids fighting [“and fucking and sucking on”] Brad and Janet
[echo “Brad’s a faggot”]
Anne Francis stars in [“Deep Throat, Debbie Does Dallas and”]
Forbidden Planet
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
At the late night [“What kind of feature?”], double feature,
[“What kind of show?”] picture show.

Trixie (lips): I knew Leo G. Carrol
[“What’s your favorite sexual position?”]
Was over a barrel [echo “Was fucking a barrel!”]
When Tarantula took to the hills.
[“Lick it” or “Get that sperm off your lips!”]
And I really got hot
When I saw Jeanette Scott [echo “When I saw Janet’s twat”]
Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.
[“What the fuck’s a Triffid?” answer “A 6-foot man-eating celery.”]
Dana Andrews said Prunes
Gave him the runes [echo “Gave him the shits”]
And passing them used lots of skills. [“Yay skills” or “Gay skills”]
But When Worlds Collide, [echo “tits” over “worlds”]
[clap hands “boom”]
Said George Powell to his bride,
“I’m gonna give you some terrible thrills,” [echo “some joints and
some pills” or “some sexual thrills”]
Like a…
[“X-ray!”]

Chorus: Science fiction [sing “ooh ooh ooh”], double feature
[sing “Wah wah wah”]
Doctor X [“Sex sex sex”] will build a creature.
See androids fighting [“and fucking and sucking on”] Brad and Janet
[echo “Brad’s a faggot”]
Anne Francis stars in [“Deep Throat, Debbie Does Dallas and”]
Forbidden Planet
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
At the late night [“What kind of feature?”], double feature,
[“What kind of show?”] picture show.
I wanna go [“I want to cum”]
Oh Oh Oh
To the late night [“What kind of feature?”], double feature,
[“What kind of show?”] picture show.
By RKO, [“RK Who?”]
Oh Oh Oh
To the late night [“What kind of feature?”], double feature,
[“What kind of show?”] picture show,
[“Where’s the best place to fuck?”]
In the back row,
[front row: “Fuck the back row!” while standing]
[back row: “Yay Back Row!” (general cheers)]
Oh Oh Oh
To the late night [“What kind of feature?”], double feature,
[“What kind of show?”] picture show.

Dentonian: Here they come! (Dentonians cheer and throw rice) [throw RICE]

Photographer: I’d like the parents and then the grandparents. Just the close
family. Smile. Ahhh, hold that. Beautiful. And… (snap)

Old Lady: (croaks) Congratulations! [croak “Thank you!”]

Ralph: Well, I guess we really did it, huh. [“Hit him, Hit him back”
“Asshole punching contest”]

Brad: I don’t think there’s any doubt about that. You and Betty have
been almost inseparable since you met in Dr. Scott’s refresher
class.

Ralph: Well to tell you the truth, Brad, that’s the only reason I
showed up in the first place. (chuckles) I mean…

Betty: O.K. you guys, this is it. (everyone screams)

Ralph: Well Betty’s going to throw the bouquet. [throw BOUQUET]

Janet: [“Hey Janet, do you have syph?”]
I got it! I got it!

Ralph: Hey big fella [“How would you know?”], looks like it could be your
turn next, eh?

Brad: Who knows. [“The Shadow knows!”, or “Who Cares!”]

Ralph: So long, see you Brad. [“See ya, sucker”]
Guess we better get going now Betty. Come on, hop in.
(they drive away)

[“Fix your glasses, fix your chin, then move out of the way so
we can read the car – `Wait till tonight. She got hers, now he’ll
get his.'” ]

Ralph: See you, Brad.

[“Be just and fear not, be stoned and fear nothing” when sign
appears]
[As old folks run “Oh shit, my pacemaker broke!” or “The
old farts missed the bus again.”]

Janet: Oh Brad, wasn’t it wonderful? [“No!”]
Wasn’t Betty radiantly beautiful? [“No!”]
I can’t believe it. An hour ago she was just plain old
Betty Monroe and now…
[“Now she’s just plain old”] now she’s Mrs. Ralph Hapshatt.
[“Half-shit!”]

Brad: Yes Janet, Ralph is a lucky guy.
[“No he’s not, she’s got syph”]

Janet: Yes.

Dentonian: I always cry at weddings.
[“Do you laugh at funerals?”]

Brad: Everyone knows that Betty is a wonderful little cook.
[“Yes, and she’s a great little fuck, too!”]

[when Denton sign is in view… “Denton Denton Rah Rah Rah,
Denton Denton eat me raw, Yeah Denton!” or “What the hell is a
billboard doing in a cemetary? It was a grave mistake.”]
[“Arrow points to slut.”]

Janet: Yes.

Brad: Why Ralph himself, he’ll be up for a promotion in a year or two.
[“If he doesn’t get busted!”]

[“Janet, are you a slut?”]
Janet: Yes.

DAMMIT JANET

[“Brad, what do you say when you want to fuck”]

Brad: Hey Janet.

[“Sit on my face and wiggle, no, sit on my crotch and jiggle”]

Janet: Yes Brad?

Brad: I’ve got something to say.

[“Then say it asshole”]

Janet: Uh huh.

Brad: I really love the… [“Starts with an S…” or “Slimy, scuzzy,
scummy”] skillful way [“What a fucking genius”]… you beat
the other girls… [“With whips and chains?”] to the bride’s
bouquet. [“that too”]

[audience echoes ‘Janet’s, ‘Oh Brad’s, ‘Dammit, Janet’s]
[echo “Let’s go screw” over “I love you” repeat whenever necessary]

Brad: The river was deep but I swam it. (Janet)
The future is our’s so let’s plan it. (Janet)
So please, don’t tell me to can it. (Janet)
I’ve one thing to say and that’s Dammit, Janet I love you.

The road was long but I ran it. (Janet) [“Backwards”]
There’s a fire in my heart [echo “crotch”] and you fan it. (Janet)
If there’s one fool for you then I am it. (Janet)
I’ve one thing to say and that’s Dammit, Janet I love you.
[echo “Assholes write on church doors too”]

Here’s a ring to prove that I’m no joker.
There’s three ways that love can grow. [“sex drugs & rock’n’roll”]
That’s good, bad, or mediocre. [echo “gay, straight or bisexual”]
[“How do you spell relief?”]
Oh, J-A-N-E-T I love you so. [echo “I want a blow”]
[“Don’t drop it!”]

Janet: Oh, it’s nicer than Betty Monroe had. (Oh Brad)
Now we’re engaged and I’m so glad (Oh Brad)

That you met Mom and you know Dad. (Oh Brad)
[echo “That you fuck Mom and you blow Dad.”]

I’ve one thing to say and that’s Brad, I’m mad, for you too.
[echo “you fag, fuck you too” over “I’m mad, for you too.”]

[“Who’s the biggest drag queen in Denton?”]
Oh Brad…
[“It’s the asshole shuffle!”]

Brad: Oh… dammit.
[echo “Aw shit” over “Oh… dammit”]

Janet: I’m mad…

Brad: Oh, Janet.
[echo “Aw shit” over “Oh, Janet”]

Janet: For you.

Brad: I love you too.
[echo “I love to screw-ew-ew.”]

Brad & Janet: There’s one thing left to do – ah – oo.
[echo “that’s screw” over “ah – oo”]
[“Use the coffin, it’s closest”]

Brad: And that’s go see the man who began it. (Janet)
[“He’s in the coffin.”]
When we met in his science exam – it (Janet)
[“What the fuck is an exam-it?”]
Made me give you the eye and then panic. (Janet)
[echo “piss in my pants” over “give you the eye”]
Now I’ve one thing to say and that’s Dammit, Janet, I love you.
Dammit, Janet.

Janet: Oh Brad, I’m mad. [echo “You fag” over “I’m mad”]

Brad: Dammit, Janet.

Brad & Janet: I love you. [echo “Let’s go screw”]

[“The man in the next scene has NO FUCKING NECK”]

Narrator: I would like, [“You would, would you?”]
ah, if I may, [“You may…”] …to take you on a
strange journey. [“How strange was it?”]

(goes for black book) [“So strange they made a movie out of it.
No, not the book, the movie! Hey, this pervert took pictures!”]

(opens book) [“Three pages to asshole”]
[“Two pages to asshole. One page to asshole. Asshole!”]

It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Brad Majors [“asshole”] and
his fiancee Janet Weiss [“slut”], two young, ordinary healthy kids
left Denton that late November evening, to visit a Dr. Everett
Scott [echo “Snott”], ex-tutor, now friend to both of them.
[“Is it true that you fuck sheep?”]
It’s true there were dark storm clouds,
[“Describe your balls!” or “Describe Tina Turner’s tits”]
heavy, black, and pendulous, towards which they were driving.
[“Is it also true that you fuck gerbils?”]
It’s true, also, that the spare tire they were carrying
was badly in need of some air [“Like your fucking neck”], but,
uh, they being normal kids, [“normal?”] on a night out…
well, they were not going to let a storm spoil the rest of their
evening, were they? [“Certainly not.”]…On a night out…[“Come a
little bit closer, Chucky.”]…it was a night out they were going
to remember… [“For how long?”] for very long.

[“What a fucking drip”]
[move hands as if they were windshield wipers]

[“Hey Dick, have you ever been a quitter?”]
Nixon: I have never been a quitter. [“Bullshit”] To leave office before
my term is over is against every instinct in my body.
[“You call that a body?”] But as President, [“You call that a
President?”]…I must put the interests of America first.
[“What does America need, Dick?”] America needs a full time
President, [“What else, Dick?”] and a full time Congress…
[as Janet offers Brad candy “Ex-lax?”]
[When she swallows, “Janet swallows!”]

Janet: Gosh, that’s the third motorcycle that’s passed us.
[“The slut can count.”]
They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the
weather and all.

[“Say something stupid, Asshole!”]
Brad: Yes, life’s pretty cheap to that type.
[“Yay that type!” or “So’s Janet”]

Janet: Oh. …What’s the matter, Brad darling?
[“I came on the windshield”]

Brad: We must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back.

Janet: Oh, but where did those motorcycles come from?

[hum Twilight Zone theme]

[“Make a sound like a cow, Brad.”]
Brad: Hmmm… well I guess we’ll just have to turn back.
[“Don’t back up!”] (BOOM)

Janet: Oh! What was that bang? [“A gang bang!”]

Brad: We must have a blowout. DAMMIT! [“Kill that smurf!” clap hands]
I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed. [“Asshole!”]
Well, you just stay here, keep warm and I’ll go for help.

Janet: Where will you go in the middle of nowhere?

Brad: [“Try the castle!”] …Didn’t we pass a castle back down the road
a few miles? [Cheer] Maybe they have a telephone I could use.
[“Castles don’t have telephones, asshole!” repeat when appropriate]

Janet: I’m going with you.

Brad: Oh, no, darling, there’s no sense in both of us getting wet.

[“She’s already wet!”]

Janet: I’m coming with you! [“That’ll be a first!”] Besides darling,
the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman, [“He is!”]
and you might never come back again. [“You should be so lucky.”]

Brad: Heh, heh, heh, heh.

[they get out of the car “Kick it!”. NEWSPAPERS over heads, squirt
the virgins sitting in front of you]
[When you see the sign on the gate – “Bring it a little
closer. Light, please. Thank you. Risk it! If you
don’t, it’s only a twenty-minute movie.”]

[“Hey Janet, watch out for the slut-eating tree. Sing, bitch!”]

OVER AT THE FRANKENSTEIN PLACE

Janet: In the velvet darkness,
Of the blackest night,
Burning bright, [“What’s up your ass?”] there’s a guiding star.
[“That must hurt!”] No matter what or who you are.

Brad & Janet: There’s a light…

Chorus: [“Where do you keep your children?”]
Over at the Frankenstein place.

Brad & Janet: There’s a light…

Chorus: [“Where else do you keep your children?” or “Where do Tiffany’s
records belong?”]
Burning in the fireplace…

Brad & Janet: There’s a light, light in the darkness of everybody’s life.

[“Sing to us, o hairless one”]

Riff Raff: Darkness must go down the river of night’s dreaming.
Flow morphia slow, [echo “more fresh snow”]
let the sun and light come streaming
Into my life. Into my life…
[“It’s the incredible shrinking hunchback!”]
[“Watch out for the quicksand!”]

[Right before lightning flash “Fuck you, God”]

Brad & Janet: There’s a light…

Chorus: Over at the Frankenstein place.

Brad & Janet: There’s a light…

Chorus: Burning in the fireplace.
There’s a light, a light

Brad & Janet:…in the darkness of everybody’s life.

[“And Betsy Ross used to sit home and sew and sew and…”]

Narrator: And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet
[“unlike your neck”] and that they had found the assistance that
their plight required. [“Are you sure?”] …Or had they?
[“Nyah ha ha!”]

Janet: Brad, let’s go back, I’m cold and frightened…

Brad: Just a moment Janet, they might have a phone.

[“Look, it’s Scooby Doo on acid! And he’s into bondage!”]
[“Ding dong, asshole calling, wanna buy some asshole cookies?”]
(doorbell rings, door creaks open)
[“Say hello, Riff” or “Say Jello in Spanish”]

Riff Raff: [echo] Hello.

Brad: Hi! My name is Brad Majors, [“asshole”] and this is my fiancee,
Janet Weiss. [“slut”] I wonder if you could help us. You see,
our car broke down a few miles up the road… do you have a
phone we might use?

Riff Raff: [“Look between Janet’s legs”]
You’re wet. [“No shit, Sherlock!”]

[“Janet, are you a slut?”]
Janet: Yes –[“Why?”] it’s raining. [“You’re a slut because it’s raining?”]

[“Brad, are you an asshole?”]
Brad: Yes.

[“Riff, are you on drugs?”]
Riff Raff: Yes…
(Lightning flash illuminates motorcycles)
[“Oh shit, you weren’t supposed to see those! They have nothing to
do with the plot, but you weren’t supposed to see them.”]
I think perhaps you better both [“Fuck off”] come inside.
[“I don’t care where you cum as long as you clean it up”
or “It’s better than cumming on the porch.”]

Janet: [“How kind is he?”] You’re too kind. [“No, he’s one of a kind”]
Oh Brad, I’m frightened. What kind of a place is this?

Brad: Oh, it’s probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos.
[“Yay, rich weirdos”]

Janet: Oh (forlornly)

Riff Raff: [“How do you finger-fuck your sister?”] This way.
[“Follow the bouncing thumb”]

[“Can you spot the lesbian in this picture? No, the slut’s in the
way.”]

Janet: Are you having a party?
[“No, it’s my sister’s bat mitzvah.”]

Riff Raff: You’ve arrived on a very special night. It’s one of the
master’s affairs. [“Which one?”][“Don’t say the magic word, Janet”]

Janet: Oh… lucky him.

Magenta: You’re lucky, he’s lucky, I’m lucky, we’re all lucky! ha ha ha ha
[echo “the banister’s lucky” over “we’re all lucky”]

(- seven dongs -) [don’t ask -ed.]
[It’s a grandfather clock. You all have sick minds. -gilly]

THE TIME WARP

[if you aren’t in the aisle by now, get in the aisle and
crouch down]

[“Hey Riff, show us your mother”]

Riff Raff: [“Hey Riff, how’s your sex life?”]
It’s astounding; [“No, it’s a skeleton”]
Time is fleeting; [“What’s your favorite rock group?”]
Madness [“They suck”] takes its toll. [“Fifty cents, please.”]
But listen closely…

[“For how long?”]
Magenta: Not for very much longer.

Riff Raff: [“How many balls have you got?”] I’ve got to [“I’ve got three”]
keep control. [echo “smoke a bowl” over “keep control”]
I remember doing the time warp [“Kick! Kick!”]
Drinking those moments when
The blackness would hit me

Riff & Magenta: And a void would be calling…

[get up and time warp!]

Transylvanians: Let’s do the time warp again.
Let’s do the time warp again.

[“How’s it done?”]
[Here are the instructions: DO IT!]

Narrator: It’s just a jump to the left.
[“Boom chug-a-lug-a-lug-a boom]

All: And then a step to the right.

Narrator: With your hands on your hips. [echo “tits” over “hips”]
[“Or somebody else’s”]

All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it’s the pelvic thrust [“oooo ahhh” or “group sex” with each
thrust]
That really drives you insane.

Let’s do the time warp again.
Let’s do the time warp again.

[clap to the rythm]

Magenta: It’s so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.
So you can’t see me, [“Do you douche?”] no, not at all.
[“Where do you fuck?”] In another dimension,
[“How do you fuck?”] with voyeuristic intention,
[“Where do you keep your tits?”] Well secluded,
[Flip her the finger “Do you see this?”] I see all.
[“So do we, bitch”]

Riff Raff: With a bit of a mind flip

Magenta: You’re into the time slip. [“Fuck that bird!”]

Riff Raff: And nothing can ever be the same.

Magenta: You’re spaced out on sensation.

Riff Raff: Like you’re under sedation.
[Janet faints]

All: Let’s do the time warp again.
Let’s do the time warp again.

[crouch down and clap again, feel free to add back up vocals
to the next bit with “woo oo oo oo” in an apropriate tune]

Columbia: Well I was walking down the street just having a think
When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.
He shook me up, he took me by surprise
He had a pickup truck, and the devil’s eyes.
He stared at me and I felt a change.
Time meant nothing, never would again.

All: Let’s do the time warp again.
Let’s do the time warp again.

Narrator: It’s just a jump to the left.
[“Boom chug-a-lug-a-lug-a boom]

All: And then a step to the right.

Narrator: With your hands on your hips. [echo “tits” over “hips”]
[“Or somebody else’s”]

All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it’s the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.

Let’s do the time warp again.
Let’s do the time warp again.

[clap]
(Columbia tap-dances [“Two! Four! Six! Eight! Show us how you
masturbate! Three! Five! Seven! Nine! We know you do it all the
time! One! Two! Three! Four! Wipe that cum up off the floor!”]

All: Let’s do the time warp again.
Let’s do the time warp again.

Narrator: It’s just a jump to the left. [echo “get the fuck off your desk”]
[“Boom chug-a-lug-a-lug-a boom]

All: And then a step to the right.

Narrator: With your hands on your hips. [echo “tits” over “hips”]
[“Or somebody else’s”]

All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it’s the pelvic thrust
that really drives you insane.

Let’s do the time warp again.
Let’s do the time warp again.

[collapse out of exhaustion!]

Janet: Brad, say something. (whispered)
[echo “Say something stupid, asshole”]

Brad: Say, do any of you guys know how to Madison? [“I do the Rock,
myself” or “I do the Rock, it’s stimulating, I do the
Swim, it gets me wet, I do the Jerk, it gets me off.”]

Janet: Brad, please, let’s get out of here.

[“Tell Janet to masturbate”]
Brad: For God’s sake keep a grip on yourself Janet.

(music cue softly at first, crescendo up)
[yell “step” in time to Frank’s steps]

Janet: But it… it seems so unhealthy here.

Brad: It’s just a party, Janet.

Janet: Well – I want to go.

Brad: Well we can’t go anywhere until I get to a phone.

Janet: Well then ask the butler or someone.

Brad: Just a moment, Janet – we don’t want to interfere
with their celebration.

Janet: This isn’t the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.

Brad: They’re probably foreigners with ways different than our own.
They may do some more… folk dancing.

Janet: Look, I’m cold, I’m wet, and I’m just plain scared.

Brad: I’m here – there’s nothing to worry about.

[Scream!]

SWEET TRANSVESTITE

Frank: How do you do, I
See you’ve met my
Faithful handyman.

He’s just a little brought down
Because when you knocked
He thought you were the candyman.

Don’t get strung out by the way I look.
Don’t judge a book by its cover. [“Price that is!”]
I’m not much of a man by the light of day
But by night I’m one hell of a lover. [“Throw it!”]

[cheer, scream, bow down in praise, etc…]

I’m just a sweet transvestite
From Transexual, Transylvania.

Let me show you around [echo “stumble around”]
Maybe play you a sound. [echo “Maybe fall to the ground”]
You look like you’re both pretty groovy. [echo “fucking Goofy”]
Or if you want something visual [echo “sexual” over visual]
That’s not too abysmal, [echo “intellectual” over abysmal]
We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie. [“Who the fuck is Steve
Reeves?”]

Brad: I’m glad we caught you at home,
Could we use your phone? [echo “suck your bone?”]
We’re both in a bit of a hurry. [echo “we both want to
fuck Tim Curry”]

Janet: [“Left”] Right. [“Left”]

Brad: We’ll just say where we are,
Then go back into the car. [echo “fuck in the car!”]
We don’t want to be any worry.

Frank: Well you got caught with a flat, well, [echo] how ’bout that?
Well, babies, don’t you panic.
By the light of the night it’ll all seem alright.
I’ll get you a satanic mechanic. [“S and M!”]

I’m just a sweet transvestite
[“boom chick a boom chick a boom chick a boom chicka”]
From Transexual, Transylvania.

Why don’t you stay for the night?

Riff Raff: [echo] Night.

Frank: Or maybe a bite?

Columbia: [“Lick”] [echo] Bite.

Frank: I could show you my favourite obsession. [echo “position”] [“Sex!”]
I’ve been making a man [“You call that a man?”]
With blonde hair and a tan [echo “With a long dick in his hand”]
And he’s good for relieving my… [“Sexual!”] …tension

I’m just a sweet transvestite
[“Check it out!”]
From Transexual, Transylvania.
[echo] HIT IT, HIT IT!
I’m just a sweet transvestite

Frank, Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Sweet transvestite

Frank: From Transexual,

Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Transylvania.

[“What do you do when your condom breaks?”]
Frank: So [“what?”]– come up to the lab, [“I can’t cum that far”]
And see what’s [echo “fuck me”] on the slab.
I see you shiver with antici – (3 seconds) [“SAY IT!”] – pation.
But maybe the rain
Isn’t really to blame. [“No, Sue’s to blame”]
So I’ll remove the cause. [echo “your clothes”] (chuckles)
[“What about those nasty symptoms?”] [“Fuck the symptoms,
he’s fucked everything else!”] But not the symptom.

(applause) (Brad and Janet are given towels)

Janet: [“What do you say when Brad fucks you?”] Thank you.

Brad: [What do you say when Janet fucks you?”] Thank you
very much.

[“Janet’s on the rag, so is Brad” sung out]

(Columbia and Riff Raff start to undress Brad and Janet)

[“What do you say when Riff Raff fucks you?”]
Janet: Oh! Brad!

Brad: It’s all right Janet. We’ll play along for now and pull
out the aces when the time is right. [“Nice Aces!”]

Columbia: Slowly, slowly! It’s too nice a job to rush. [“Yay Rush!”]

Brad: Hi, my name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee,
Janet Weiss; [“Brad, spell ‘urinate’ in shorthand.”] you are…
[“Close enough.”]

Columbia: You’re very lucky to be invited up to Frank’s laboratory.
Some people would give their right arm for the privilege.
[“Or their left tit!”]

Brad: People like you maybe.

Columbia: Ha! I’ve seen it.

(She throws the clothes. Brad grabs a shoe to cover himself.)
[“Hey Brad, grab something useful, like a shoe!”]
(Riff Raff pours wine into a glass, takes a swig from the bottle.)

Magenta: Come along – the master doesn’t like to be kept waiting.
[“What do you do with an uncomfortable cock?”] Shift it.
[“Drop it!”]

(Riff drops the bottle) [“Riff can’t hold his liquor” sung out]

(Janet screeches – the elevator goes up)

Janet: Is he – Frank I mean – is he your husband?

Riff Raff: The master is not yet married, [If Frank is played by Luke, “Yes he
is!”] nor do I expect he ever will be. We are simply his
[“slaves”] servants.

Janet: Oh.

[“First floor, clocks, blocks, bagels and lox, snippers,
clippers, bedroom slippers, watch your step. Second floor, rubber,
leather, lace and feathers, whips, dips and nipple clips, watch
your ass. Third floor, Tammy Faye Bakker.”]

(doors open, panning shot of lab) [“sing “We Are the World”]

[“Sluts first … Assholes second… Servants, Groupies, and
Weirdos third, fourth, and fifth. Hurry up, we’re on a budget.”]

Frank: [“What’s your favorite color?”] Magenta,
[“Where do you get your pot?”] Columbia, [“Bad choice”]
go assist Riff Raff [echo “Woof Woof” “He needs a blow
job, and two heads are better than one.”].
I will entertain …uh huh huh… (chuckles) [“the cameraman”]

Brad: Brad Majors. And this is my fiancee, Janet “Vice”.

Janet: Weiss.

Brad: Weiss? um

Frank: [“Say something in French”] Enchante.
[“What’s it mean?”]
(Janet giggles)

Frank: Well! How nice. [“That’s not what it means…”]
And what charming underclothes you both have.
[“THAT’S what it means!”]
But here. Put these on. [“and take those off”]
They’ll make you feel less [“naked”] vulnerable. [“same thing”]
It’s not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer
them… hospitality [echo “horse brutality”].

Brad: Hospitality!? [echo “Horse brutality!?”]
All we asked was to use your telephone,
goddammit, a reasonable request which you’ve chosen to ignore.

Janet: Brad, don’t be ungrateful.

Brad: Ungrateful! [when Brad removes his glasses, “It’s Superasshole!”]

Frank: How forceful you are, Brad. [“Describe Tim Curry.”]
Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So… [“big”] dominant
(crowd has flurry of laughs).
[“Check it out, cover it up” as one conventioneer looks closer]
You must be awfully proud of him, Janet.

Janet: [“Janet, are you a slut?”] Well, yes I am. (giggles)

Frank: Do you have any tattoos, Brad? [echo “testicles” over “tattoos”]

[“Show him the teddy bear”]
Brad: Certainly not!

Frank: [“Ask Janet”] Oh well, how about you. (to Janet)

[“Show him the battleship”]
Janet: No. (giggling)

Riff Raff: Everything is in readiness, master [“bater”].
We merely await your word. [echo “sperm.”]

(Frank spills wine on Riff) [“Oh no, my new suit, my best suit, my
only suit”]

[applaud when appropriate]
[snap glove or clap hands when Frank snaps his gloves]

[Hey Frank, when’s the orgy and who’s invited?”]
Frank: Tonight, my unconventional conventionists… you are about to
witness a new breakthrough in biochemical [echo “bisexual” over
“biochemical”] research… and paradise is to be mine…[echo
“a garage” over “to be mine”] It was strange the way it happened…
suddenly you get a break… whole pieces start to fit into place,
[“Like a puzzle?”] not a sign of being…[“are you a fool?”]
what a fool! The answer was there all the time, it took
a small accident to make it happen… [“What was your birth?”]
AN ACCIDENT!

Magenta & Columbia: An accident!

Frank: And that’s how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient,
that [“Who gives the best head on Star Trek?”] SPARK that is the
breath of life…[“Will you fuck everyone in the audience tonight”
or “Did you just spit into your hand?”]
Yes, [“Do you know about gay sex?”] I have that knowledge…
[“What do you hold between your legs?”] I hold the secret…
[“To life?”] to life… [“Itself?”] itself!
[“F”] You see, [“K”], you are fortunate for tonight is the night
that my beautiful creature is destined to be BORN!
[echo “blown” over born]

[Janet claps, Brad grabs her hands. “Janet’s got the
clap, now Brad’s caught it!”]

(Magenta and Columbia take hold of the cloth)
[“Magenta is up at bat… No balls, no hits, no tits, either.”]
[“Frank, how do you say ‘fuck you’ in Chinese?”]
Up now!
Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator…[“Oscillator?
I just met her!”] and step the reactor power input
THREE MORE POINTS! [echo “THREE MORE TRIANGLES!”]

Janet: Oh, Brad!

[“How’s your sex life, Brad?”]
Brad: It’s all right, Janet.

[“A six-foot self-inserting tampon, no strings attached!”]

(colorful fluids, etc. in order Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue,
Indigo, Violet [identify colors as “Red! …Orange”, etc. ]
[ask “Is it soup yet?” several times, answer “Not yet…” and
then, “Now it is!” or “Fuck it, let’s nuke it.”]
[When Rocky turns skeletal, “Oh look, Rocky’s first boner!”]
[When he grips the tank with four fingers, “Throw him back, he’s
only got four fingers!”]

(Rocky emits some gutteral garbage)

Frank: Oh! [echo] Rocky!

THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES

Rocky: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head,
And I’ve got the feeling someone’s gonna be cutting the thread.
Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery.
Oh, can’t you see, that I’m at the start of a pretty big downer.

I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed.
[echo “and I got myself a beer” over “with a start when I
fell out of bed.”]

All: That ain’t no crime.

Rocky: And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread.

All: That ain’t no crime.

Rocky: My high is low, I’m dressed up with no place to go.
And all I know is I’m at the start of a pretty big downer.

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain’t no crime.

Rocky: Oh ho no no

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain’t no crime.

Rocky: Oh ho no no

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain’t no crime.

Rocky: Oh ho no no

Rocky: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.

All: That ain’t no crime.

Frank: Well really.

Rocky: And I’ve got the feeling someone’s going to be cutting the thread.

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain’t no crime.

Rocky: Oh no no no.

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain’t no crime.

Rocky: Oh no no no.

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain’t no crime.

Rocky: Oh no no no.
(repeat until end — Sha-la-la)

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain’t no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain’t no crime,
Sha-la-la-la that ain’t no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain’t no crime,
sha-la-la.

Frank: Well really. [“No, Frankly.”]
That’s no way to behave on your first day out. [“Of the closet!”]

[sing “If you’re horny and you know it, beat your bars, if you’re
horny and you know it, beat your bars, if you’re horny and you know
it, and you really want to show it, if you’re horny and you know it
beat your bars.”]

Rocky: Ugh Ugh (forlornly like a puppy dog)

Frank: But since you’re such an exceptional beauty, I am prepared to
forgive you.

Rocky: Ugh Ugh (applause) (Rocky [and audience] claps like a child)

Frank: Oh, I just love success.
[“You love anything with a `suck’ in it.”]

Riff Raff: He’s a credit to your genius, master.

Frank: Yes.

Magenta: A triumph of your will.

Frank: Yes.

Columbia: He’s O.K.

[“You blew it bitch.”]

Frank: O.k. [“Kill that roach!”] (smack) [“Get your tits off my tank!”]
O.K.! I think we can do better than that. Humph!
[“Ask Ken and Barbie!” or “We asked Brad and Janet to take our
taste test…”]
Well, Brad and Janet, [“tap tap tap”] what do you think of him?

[“Lie through your teeth, Janet!”]
Janet: Well, I don’t like men with too many muscles.
[“Just one BIG one!”]

Frank: I didn’t make him… FOR YOU! [“yeah, but she gets him anyway”
He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval.]
[clap and bark like a seal]

I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part I)

(Frank gives Rocky gift-wrapped barbells with a tag saying
“Happy Birthday Rocky”)
[“He can’t read, he thinks his name is Happy!”]

Frank: [“Describe Dan Quayle”]
A weakling weighing ninety-eight pounds [“That’s two Dan Quayles”]
Will get sand in his face
When kicked to the ground [echo “groin”];
(Rocky laughs.) [“Look, he liked that!”]
And soon in the gym with a determined chin,
The sweat from his pores as he works for his cause
Will make him glisten
[“What’s your favorite toothpaste?”] and gleam. [“With fluoride?”]
And with massage, [“Fluoride’s better.”]
and just a little bit of steam,
[“Go for it!” or “Go for the gold!” followed by…
sing “Missed it, missed it, now you gotta kiss it!” “Why do you
think he missed it?”]
He’ll be pink and quite clean
He’ll be a strong man. Oh honey…

All: But the wrong man.

[“Show us your smallest dildo” as he wheels out horse]
Frank: He’ll eat nutritious [“cum”] high protein [“cum”].
And swallow raw eggs… [echo “cum” over “eggs”]
Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and… legs.
[“Fuck that horse!”] Such an effort if he only knew of my plan.
In just seven days…
[“And seven nights…” repeat after each time]

Frank & Transylvanians: I can make you a man. [echo “fag, just like
your dad” over “man”]

Frank: He’ll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch,
clean and jerk [“off”].
He thinks dynamic tension must be hard work.
Such strenuous living I just don’t understand,
When in just seven days, oh baby, …I can make you a man.

[“Watch out for the door!” or “Incoming!”]

Columbia: EDDIE!

[“Like a greaser from the freezer, a Bat Out Of Hell”]

HOT PATOOTIE (BLESS MY SOUL)

Eddie: Whatever happened to Saturday night,
When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright?
It don’t seem the same since cosmic light
Came into my life, I thought I was divine.
I used to go for a ride with a chick who’d go,
And listen to the music on the radio;
A saxophone was playing in a rock ‘n roll show.
You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time.

Hot patootie, bless my soul, [clap clap clap clap]
I really love that rock ‘n roll.
[Echo “sex drugs and rock and roll” over “I really love…”]
(repeated three more times)
or, if you’re really sick
[echo “sex drugs and twelve year olds” “sex drugs and eight year
olds” “sex drugs and two year olds” “sex drugs and embryos”]

(Sax solo) [when Eddie stomps the floor, “Eat shit, and die”]

My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled.
My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt.
I’d taste her baby pink lipstick and that’s when I’d melt
And she’d whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine.
Get back in front, put some hair oil on
Buddy Holly was singing his very last song.
With your arms around your girl you’d try to sing along.
It felt pretty good. Woo! you really had a good time.

Hot patootie, bless my soul, [clap clap clap clap]
I really love that rock ‘n roll.
(… for a total of twelve times)

[Say “LOVE” and “HATE” when you see them on his knuckles, then
“Sex is somewhere in between.”]

(Frank attacks Eddie with an ice pick) [Scream]
[“That’s no way to pick your friends!” or “Picky, picky, picky” or
“You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you
can’t pick your friend’s nose.”]
[“Frank, what’s the score and make a bad joke about it?”]

Frank: One from the vaults. (chuckles)

[“Give those used rubbers to Magenta, she knows what to do
with them – turn them inside out and use them again” as Frank gives
the bloody gloves to her]

Rocky: Ugh…

[“I’m upset!”]

Frank: Oh baby… Don’t be upset… [“What sort of a killing was it?”]
It was a mercy [echo “messy”] killing… [“mercy mercy mercy”
or “messy messy messy”] He had a certain naive charm,
[“But what didn’t he have?”] but no muscle [“Show us some muscle!”]
(Rocky flexes a bicep) …Oh!

I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part II)

Frank: But a deltoid and a bicep.
[“What did you have for lunch?”]
A hot groin and a tricep.
Makes me, [“boogie with a midget”] oooh, shake,
Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the [“Balls!”]…ha-ha-hand.

Frank & Transylvanians: In just seven days I can make you a man.

[“Strut!” at each step]
Frank: I don’t want no dissention, just dynamic tension.

[“Take it, Janet!”]
Janet: I’m a muscle fan. [echo “Eat my bearded clam!”]
[“How’d she learn the words?” “She slept with the director.”]

Frank: In just seven days, I can make you a man
[“What do you do with a wedgie?”]
Dig it if you can
In just seven days, I can make you a man.

(Frank and Rocky’s WEDDING MARCH)

Transylvanians: Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!
Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!
[throw Confetti]

[“Jump start!”]

[“I say that life is an illusion.”]
Narrator: There are those that say that life is an illusion
[“like your neck”] and that reality is but a figment of the
imagination. [“Like your neck”] If this is so, then Brad and Janet
are quite safe [“with their necks”], … however, the sudden
departure of their host [echo “necks”]…and his [“neck”] creation
…into the seclusion of his somber bridal suite
[echo “Sweet” up high] had left them feeling both [“neckless”]
apprehensive and a feeling which grew [“unlike your fucking neck”]
as the other guests departed, and they were shown to their separate
rooms. [“Same room, different colour.”]

(Janet and Brad are shown to their rooms by Riff Raff and Magenta.)
[“Pink is for Sluts… watch out for the basin…”]
[sing “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been fucking, and when you masturbate”]
[“Sit down, bitch. I said SIT DOWN!”] (Janet sits.)

(Brad enters room)
[“Same room, different filter, what a cheap movie. Blue is for
assholes”]

(howl) [“Creatures of the night, shut up.”]
(knock)

Janet: Uhh! Who is it? Who’s there?
[“It’s the plumber. I’ve come to fix the basin.”]

Frank (Brad): It’s only me, Janet.

Janet: Oh, Brad darling, come in.
[“And out, and in, and out…”]
Oh! Brad Oh oh oh… Yes, my darling…but what if…

Frank (Brad): It’s all right, Janet, [“I’ve got a condom.”] everything’s going
to be alright.
[“Don’t fuck with the hair”]
[“You know what this movie really needs? A dead cat.”]

Janet: Oh, I hope so, my darling. Oh…Ah…ahh OHHH! Oh it’s you!
[“We told you not to fuck with the hair!”] [“Wow, a dead cat!”]

Frank: I’m afraid so, Janet, but isn’t it nice…

Janet: Oh, you beast, you monster…Oh what have you done with Brad?

Frank: [“Nothing yet – he’s saving the best for last.”] Oh, well,
nothing. Why, do you think I should?

Janet: You tricked me…I wouldn’t have…I’ve never..never…
[“What about the football team”, answer “That was just practice”]

Frank: Yes, yes I know, but it isn’t all bad, is it? [“It isn’t all
Brad either!”] I think you really found it quite pleasurable.

Janet: Oh, stop…I mean help…Brad Brad!..Oh Brad!!
[“He’s not down there! He’s never been down there.”]

Frank: Shhh. Brad’s probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you
like…This!

Janet: Like this..like how??! Oh, it’s your fault…you’re to blame
[“No, Sue’s to blame!”]..Oh…I was saving myself…
[“For what, a rainy day? Look outside, bitch, it’s pouring!”]

Frank: Yes, but I’m sure you’re not SPENT yet…
[“Go ahead, spend her, I have change for a nickel.”]

Janet: Promise you won’t tell Brad?

Frank: Cross my heart and hope to die…
[“Stick a dildo in my eye!”]
[“Kick if you like it!”]

(scene with Riff & Magenta, Magenta with a mop)
[sing “I’m so glad we’ve had this time together” or “for leather”]

(Riff walks over to Magenta)
[“You fuck with the mop, I’ll fuck with the monster”]

(Riff walks over to Rocky)
[“Muscle twitch, please! Thank you.”]
[sing “Rocky takes it up the ass, doo-dah, doo-dah”]
[“Servants entrance in the rear”, answer “That’s why they call
him the butler”]

(Riff grabs the candelabra) [“Not the thirteen pronged
dildo!!!” or “the Liberace treatment!”]

(Riff Raff scares Rocky with a candelabra)
[“Have some fire, Scarecrow!” or “You light up my life”]

(Rocky runs away as Riff cracks his whip)
(Rocky climbs down the elevator shaft)
[“And STAY out!”]
[“Shit, where’s the bathroom?”]
(Riff throws a candle down after him) [“And stay out!”]
(Riff approaches Magenta)
[chant “Elbow Sex!” until they have it]
[“Hey Riff, make your sister squeek!”]
[“That’s no way to pop a zit!”]

(scene change to Brad’s room)

Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad darling, it’s no good here. He’ll destroy us.

Brad: Don’t worry Janet, we’ll be away from here in the morning.

Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad you’re so strong and protective.
[“Don’t fuck with the hair”]
[“You know what this movie really needs? Another dead cat…”]

Brad: Ah, ah, ah, oh YOU!
[“Hey, great, another dead cat!]

Frank: I’m afraid so, Brad, but isn’t it nice…

Brad: Why YOU! what have you done with Janet? [“Fucked the shit out of
her.”]

Frank: Nothing. Why? Do you think I should? [“Liar!”]

Brad: You tricked me, I wouldn’t have…never never…never…
[“Never never? What about the boy scout troups? I heard you were
up to six packs a day!”]

Frank: Oh Yes yes, I know…but it isn’t all bad, is it? [“It’s all Brad
this time!”] Not even half bad, I think you really quite
enjoyed it.

(Brad starts moaning)

Frank: Oh… so soft…

Brad: Stop it…stop it…oh Janet…[“Poke him in the eye!”] JANET!
[“She’s not down there! She’s never been down there.”]

Frank: Shhh! Janet’s probably asleep by now, do you want her to see you…
like…this.

Brad: Like this, like how? It’s your fault, you’re to blame,[no, Sue’s to
blame.”] I thought it was the real thing! [“It is, only bigger!”]

Frank: Oh come on, Brad, admit it, you liked it, didn’t you? There’s no
crime in giving yourself over to pleasure.
[“It is in New Jersey” (apologies to Shanin Gross)] We’ve wasted so
much time already. Janet needn’t know, I won’t tell.

Brad: Well, promise you won’t tell…

Frank: [“Where did you last have sex?”]
On my mother’s gra.oouuuuuu… [“Don’t talk with your mouth full!”]

(BEEPBEEPBEEP…)

Riff Raff: Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished. [“POOF”] The
new playmate is loose and somewhere in the castle grounds…
[echo “coffee grounds”] Magenta has just released [“her sisters”]
the dogs…[“and she’s leading the pack”]

Frank: Mmmmm? coming! [“So’s Brad!”]

Janet: What’s happening here? [“Switch”] Where’s Brad? [“Switch”]
Where’s anybody?

[“Kibbles ‘n Bits, Kibbles ‘n Bits, I’m gonna get me some
Kibbles ‘n Bits!” or “Nipples and clits…”]

Janet: Oh, Brad. [“oh shit”] Brad, my darling, [“Janet my slut”]
how could I have done this to you? Oh!
[“It was easy, but it would have been easier without those
pantyhose on!”] Oh, if only we hadn’t made this journey…
[“But you did!”] if only the car hadn’t broken down…
[“but it did!”] if only we were amongst friends [“But you’re not!”]
Or sane persons, [“Two out of three ain’t bad”]
Oh Brad [“oh shit”]
Oh Brad [“Get butch, bitch!”] what have they done with him…
[“nice handle”]
(she sees him on TV with Frank)
Oh, Brad, Oh Brad-How could you? [“Yes, Janet, Brad smokes after
sex.”] [“She’s only crying because she can’t jump that high. She
hasn’t seen the ladder yet.”]
(she fondles the handle) [“Fifty Ways to Love Your Lever”
or “The Shape of things to Come”]

(Rocky emits moans and general cries of pain)
[“Leave him alone, he’s monster bating”]

(Rocky gets up) [“Who said masturbation wasn’t a dirty
business” or “See what masturbation can do to you?” answer “I don’t
look like that, I must be doing something wrong!”]

Janet: Oh, but you are hurt…Did they do this to you? [“No, I did it to
myself”] I’ll dress your wounds… [“He’s got more hurt than
you’ve got skirt!” or “Make me a three piece suit] baby there…
let me make it all better.
[“That’s not in the Girl Scout manual!” answer “Yes it is,
on page 69!”]
[“Hey Janet – look to the left… Now look to the right…
Now smile if you want it!”]

Narrator: Emotion, [echo “erection” over “emotion”] agitation or disturbance
of the mind…Vehement or excited mental state. [“And you can only
read about it.”] It is also a powerful and irrational master
[echo “mouthwash” over master]
and from what Magenta and Columbia eagerly viewed on their
television monitor [“eager beavers”] there seemed little doubt that
Janet was, indeed, … its slave.

Magenta and Columbia: [echo] Tell us about it, Janet.

TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH ME

Janet: I was feeling done in, [“and out, and in…”] couldn’t win.
[“Try the lottery, 666”]
I’d only ever kissed before.

Columbia: You mean she…[“A liar?”]

Magenta: Uh huh

Janet: I thought there’s no use getting [“Laid!”]
Into heavy petting
It only leads to trouble
And seat wetting.
[stand up, look at your seat, “oh shit, my seat’s wet.”
answer “sit down and enjoy it!”]
Now all I want to know is how to go.
I’ve tasted blood [echo “cum”] and I want more.

Magenta and Columbia: [echo] More, more, more

Janet: I’ll put up no resistance
I want to go the distance [echo “suck your distance”]
I’ve got an itch to scratch [echo “itchy snatch”] [“Try Vagisil”]
I need assistance.

Toucha toucha toucha touch me
I want to be dirty
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
Creature of the night.

[when Rocky goes between Janet’s legs: “This looks like a good
place for a stick up… or a stick in” or
“Something smells fishy here.”]

Then if anything grows, while you pose,
I’ll oil you up and rub you down.

Magenta and Columbia: [“up”] Down, [“up”] down, [“up”] down. [“up”]

Janet: And that’s just one small fraction [echo “section”]
of the main attraction [echo “erection”]
You need a friendly hand – I need action.

Toucha toucha toucha touch me
I want to be dirty
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
Creature of the night.

Columbia: Toucha toucha toucha touch me
Magenta: I want to be dirty.
Columbia: Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me,
Magenta: Creature of the night.

Janet: Toucha toucha toucha touch me, oh, I want to be dirty
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me, creature of the night.

[“switch” repeat, after each character sings his line]
Rocky: Creature of the night
Brad: Creature of the night?
Frank: Creature of the night.
Magenta: Creature of the night.
Riff Raff: Creature of the night. [“Baldy”]
Columbia: Creature of the night. [“Squeeky”]
Rocky: Creature of the night. [“Rocky Two”]
Janet: Creature of the night.
[“Orgasm!”]

(scene change, Riff being whipped)
[“Thank you master, may I have another”, after each crack]

Riff Raff: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! [“Say thank you in French!”]
Merrrrrcy! (being whipped by Frank)

Frank: How did it happen? [“Beats me!”] I understood you were to be
watching…

Riff Raff: I was only away for a minute…[“doing what?”] master [“bating”]

Frank: Well, see if you can find him on the monitor.

[“Frank, Show us your backhand” (shows it) “Needs work!”]
[(Brad looks upset. “He never beats me like that!”]

Riff Raff: Master, master…we have a visitor.
[“It’s Mary Poppins taking a shit”]

Brad: [“What does Captain Kirk say to his chief engineer?”] Hey, Scotty!
[“Beam me up, this planet sucks!”] Dr. Everett Scott.

Riff Raff: You know this earthling [“Watch it, O’Brian!” “Fuck you Curry, I
wrote the script”] …this person?

Brad: Why yes. He happens to be an old friend of mine. [“Assholes don’t
have friends, just hemorroids.”]

Frank: [“What’s your favorite fruit drink?”] I see. So this wasn’t
simply a chance meeting. [“No, it was a date”] You came here
with a purpose. [echo “on a porpoise”]

Brad: I told you, my car broke down. I was telling the truth.
[“Assholes don’t lie, they just give you a lot of shit”]

Frank: I know what you told me…but this Dr. Everett Scott, his name
is not unknown to me.

Brad: He was a science teacher at Denton High School.

Frank: And now he works for your government, doesn’t he, Brad? He’s
attached to the bureau of investigation of that which you call
UFO’s [“Un-Forgettable Orgasms”] Isn’t that right, Brad?
[“I paid six dollars for this fucking movie, and I want to see
Brad’s nipple! Thank you…”]

Brad: He might be…I don’t know.

Riff Raff: The intruder is entering the building, master. [“And the building
doesn’t like it one bit!”]

Frank: [“Where will he be?”] He’ll probably be in… [“In the George
Harrison room?”] in the Zen room. [“Zen go get him!”] [“Even the
best houses have roaches.” as Dr. Scott finds roach]
Shall we inquire of him in person? [“No, let’s use the
cripple-contact electro-magnet.”] [“Joker…joker…joker!”]

[“Go speed racer, go speed racer, go speed racer, go!”]
[sing “Ring around the lesbians” as he circles Magenta and Columbia
“Fucking tourists”]
(pause)
[“Shave and a haircut…” or “Hey, Kool-aid!”]

Brad: Great Scott! [throw TOILET PAPER]

Dr. Scott: Frankenfurter, we meet at last. [“No, we meet at first”]

Brad: Dr. Scott! [“Suck my cock”]

Dr. Scott: Brad! What are you doing here? [“Oh, just fucking around.”]

Frank: Don’t play games, Dr. Scott. You know perfectly well what
Brad Majors is doing here. It was part of your plan, was it not?
That he and his female should check the layout for you.
[“Or lay the check-out!”] Well, unfortunately for you, all your
plans are to be changed. You must be adaptable, Dr. Scott
[“AC/DC”]; I know Brad is. [“You promised you wouldn’t tell”]

Dr. Scott: I can assure you that Brad’s presence here comes as a complete
surprise to me. [“Didn’t you read the script?”]
I came here to find Eddie. [“Dinner?”]

Brad: Eddie! I’ve seen him!

Frank: Eddie! What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?

[“Get snotty, Scotty!”]
Dr. Scott: I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. You see
Eddie happens to be my [“sex life”] nephew.

(Frank gasps)

Brad: Dr. Scott. [“Mouseketeer roll call sound off now!”]

Janet: Ah! [“You blew it, bitch”]

[echo all following lines]

Dr. Scott: Janet!

Janet: Dr. Scott!

Brad: Janet!

Janet: Brad!

Frank: Rocky! [“Ugh!” or “Bullwinkle”]

(Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)

Dr. Scott: Janet!

Janet: Dr. Scott!

Brad: Janet!

Janet: Brad!

Frank: Rocky! [“Ugh!” or “Bullwinkle”]

(Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)

Dr. Scott: Janet!

Janet: Dr. Scott!

Brad: Janet!

Janet: Brad!

Frank: Rocky! [“Ugh!” or “Bullwinkle”]

(Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)

[if the theatre did it in unison, clap and cheer]

Frank: Listen…[“Mr. Potato Head]…I made you…and I can break you just
as easily.
(to Rocky)

Magenta: (GONG) Master, dinner is prepared! [“and WE helped! (hay-ulped)”]

Frank: Excellent. [“Egg salad?”] Under the circumstances, formal dress
is to be optional.

[“Toga! Toga! Toga!” or “Drop the sheet, show the meat.”]

Narrator: Food has always played a vital role in Life’s rituals.
The breaking of the bread, the last meal of the condemned man,
and then this meal. However informal it might appear, you can
be sure that there was to be little, bonhommie. [echo “Bon Jovi”]
[“Bonhom-who?”]

(Dinner is served, the clatter of dishes is heard)

[As Magenta enters “If that’s the hostess, I’d hate to see the
Twinkies, but I’d love to see the cream filling.”]
[as Riff rolls out the dinner: “What’s for dinner? I hope it’s not
steam again.”]
(Riff opens the lid)
[“It’s steam.”]
(The dinner is shown)
[“If it bounces it’s Meat Loaf… It’s Meat Loaf.”]
[“You killed it, you carve it.”]
[“It slices, it dices, it even circumcizes! It’s the
handy dandy Black & Decker Pecker Wrecker!”]
(Frank slices it with the slicer)
[scream as he slices]
[“All sliced up and no place to go, woo! (clap)”]
[“Who set the table, Stevie Wonder? Give Dr. Scott another fork,
he’s only got seven.”]
(Riff and Magenta pour the wine)
[“Why is Rocky drinking out of a specimin jar? Because he’s
pissed.”]
[as they get to Dr Scott: “What kind of wine is it?”]
[as it spills: “Must be table wine”]
[as Riff “deals” the meat: “Hey Riff! deal me a slice” “He sure
knows how to sling his meat!”] [“Hey Rocky, eat like a civilized
Marine!” “Use a fork!” “Fork you!”]

Frank: A toast [throw TOAST] [“to cannibalism”]…to absent friends…
[“Same thing.”]
All: [echo] To absent friends.
[“Bullwinkle…and…”]

Frank: and to Rocky. [“Hey, Frankie’s got a hat-on” (Boston accent)]

[“Hey, this time finish the song, last week you stopped in
the middle.”]

(singing w/ Janet, et al)
Happy Birthday to you [“Woo!”]
Happy Birthday to you [“Woo!”]
Happy Birthday dear Rocky… (stops)

Janet: Happy Birthday to you…

Frank: Shall we?

Dr. Scott: We came here to discuss Eddie. [“Dinner?”]

Columbia: Eddie. (Frank threatens her with the slicer)

Frank: That’s a rather tender subject. [“That’s a rather tasteless joke”]
Another slice anyone?

[“Brad gets it, Janet gets it, Dr Scott gets it, Rocky doesn’t
give a shit”]

Columbia: Excuse me (Scream on exit)

[“What’s the matter Columbia, you’ve eaten Eddie before?”,
as Frank pours the ketchup: “Yeah, but never with ketchup
and always with great relish!”]
or, if you prefer…
[“What’s the matter? You ate him before – you can eat him again!”
“Yeah, but she didn’t swallow last time!”]
[“Watch out for that first step, it’s a doozie.”]
or, for the sickos…
[“That’s what you get for masturbating with a razor blade!”]

Dr. Scott: I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I
imagined…Aliens! [“Who the fuck are YOU talking to?”, answer
“Who the fuck are WE talking to?”]

Rocky: Ugh?

Brad: Doctor Scott! [“Janet Brad Rocky Ugh!”]

Frank: Go on, Dr. Scott. Or [“as we say in East Berlin”] should I say
Dr. Von Scott.

[stand up and put out your arm to say “Seig heil!”]

Brad: Just what exactly are you implying?

Dr. Scott: It’s all right!

Brad: Doctor Scott!

Scott: It’s all right, Brad. [“Ass kisser!”]

EDDIE’S TEDDY

From the day he was born [“Not the night, but the day”]
He was trouble. [“With a capital T”]
He was the thorn [“Not the rose but the thorn”]
In his mother’s side. [“Not the back, but the side”]
She tried in vain [“Not the artery but the vein”]

Narrator: …but he never caused her nothing but shame. [“Shame shame shame”
with finger motion]

Scott: He [clap] left [clap] home [clap] the day she died.
[“It’s Rockin’ Scott!”]
From the day she was gone [“Bop shebop bop”]
All he wanted [“The Doctor Scott Rock”]
Was Rock ‘n’ Roll porn [“Bop shebop bop”] [“Hi Mom!”]
And a motorbike. [“oooo weee eeee oooo”]
Shooting up junk…

Narrator: He was a low down cheap little punk! [“Yay Punks!”]

Scott: Taking everyone for a ride. [“He never took me for a ride!”]

All: When Eddie said he didn’t like his Teddy
[echo “When Betty said she wouldn’t give you head”]
You knew he was a no-good kid. [clap clap]
[echo “you knew she was a lesbian”]
But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife
[echo “but when she threatened your life with a six foot dyke”]

Frank: What a guy! [echo “What a fag”]

Janet: Makes you cry. [echo “Makes you gag”]

Scott: Und I did. [echo “And I did”]

Columbia: Everybody shoved him. [echo “Everybody fucked him”]
I very nearly loved him. [echo “I very nearly sucked him”]
I said, hey, listen to me; [echo “I said, hey, listen, screw me”]
Stay sane inside insanity! [echo “to hell with my virginity”]
But he locked the door and threw away the key.
[echo “so he pulled it out and came all over me”]

Scott: But he must have been drawn [“To Dr. Scott’s cock”]
Into something, [“Like Dr. Scott’s cock”]
Making him warn [“Who?”]
Me in a note that reads…

All: [echo] What’s it say? What’s it say?

Eddie’s voice: I’m out of my hed. [“Spelled H – E – D”]
Oh, hurry, or I may be dead. [“Spelled right!”]
They mustn’t carry out their evil deeds. [“Scream!”] (scream)

All: When Eddie said he didn’t like his Teddy
You knew he was a no-good kid. [clap clap]
But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife

Frank: What a guy! [echo “What a fag”]

Janet: Makes you cry. [echo “Makes you gag”]

Scott: Und I did. [echo “and I did”]

All: When Eddie said he didn’t like his Teddy
You knew he was a no-good kid. [clap clap]
But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife
[echo “Ball point pen” over “switch-blade knife”]

Frank: What a guy!

Janet: Makes you cry. [“What does Fat Albert say?”]

Others: Hey, hey, hey.

Scott: Und I did. [“What the fuck is an und?”]

[“I fucking hate celery!” or better yet….
“Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.
nothin’ up my sleeve… Presto!”]

(All scream)

Frank: Rocky! How could you? (slaps Janet) [“The pantyhose were ripped!”]

(general mayhem as Frank chases Janet. Riff and Magenta laugh,
until Riff suddenly says “Shut up!” [which the audience echoes])

WISE UP

I’ll tell you once; I won’t tell you twice. [hiss on every “ice”]
You’d better wise up, Janet Weiss.
Your apple pie don’t taste too nice.
You’d better wise up, Janet Weiss.

I’ve laid the seed; it should be all you need.
You’re as sensual as a pencil, wound up like an E or first string.
When we made it, didja hear a bell ring? [ring BELL]

Ya gotta block? Well, take my advice.
You better wise up, Janet Weiss.
The transducer will seduce ya.

Janet: My feet! I can’t move my feet!

Scott: My wheels! My God, I can’t move my wheels! [echo “cheeks”]

Brad: [“My socks! I can’t move my socks!”] It’s as if we’re glued to
the spot!

Frank: You are! So quake with fear, you tiny fools!

Janet: We’re trapped!

Frank: (sung) It’s something you’ll get used to. A mental mind fuck
can be nice.

Scott: You won’t find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine.
This sonic transducer. It is, I suppose, some kind of audio-
vibrato-physio-molecular transport device?

Brad: You mean… [“A vibrator!”]

Scott: Yes, Brad, it’s something we ourselves have been working on
for quite some time. [“A working vibrator”]
But it seems our friend here has found
a means of perfecting it. [“A perfect vibrator”]
A device capable of breaking down solid matter
[“A broken vibrator”] and then projecting it through space and,
who knows, perhaps even time itself. [“A COSMIC vibrator!”]

Janet: You mean he’s going to send us to another planet?

Frank: [echo] Planet, shmanet, Janet!
You better wise up, Janet Weiss.
You better wise up, build your thighs up,
You better wise up

Narrator: [echo] And then she cried out…

Janet: Stop! [echo “More!”]

Frank: Don’t get hot and flustered!
Use a bit of mustard.

Brad: You’re a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, Frank Furter.
[echo “squirt” over hurt]
(Freeze – Brad)

Scott: You’re a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, Frank Furter.
[echo “squirt” over hurt]
(Freeze – Scott)

Janet: You’re a hot dog —

(Freeze – Janet)
[“It wouldn’t have rhymed anyway.”]

Columbia: My God! I can’t stand any more of this! [“So siddown!”]
First you spurn me for Eddie, and then you throw him off like an
old overcoat for Rocky! [“Sperm sperm sperm”]
You chew people up and then you spit them out again. [“No, he
swallows.”] I loved you..[“WHAT?”] did you hear
me? I loved you! And what did it get me? [“A hole in my pajamas.”]
Yeah, I’ll tell you: a big nothing. You’re like a sponge. You
take, take, take, and drain others of their love and emotion.
[“Peek a boo!”] Yeah, well, I’ve had enough. You’re gonna choose
between me and Rocky, so named because of the rocks in his head.
(freeze) [“Hefty lefty, lighty righty, better get a chisel!”]
[“Now we know which side Eddy slept on.”]

Frank: It’s not easy having a good time… [“Try Disneyland on acid!”]
(freeze Rocky) [“Yeah, him too.”] [“Everybody must get stoned”]
…even smiling makes my face ache [“So bite your knuckle and go
talk to a wall”] [“Eargasm!”] [“What’s your favorite soap opera?”]
…all my children turn on me… Rocky’s behaving just the way
Eddie did…Do you think I made a mistake splitting his brain
between the two of them? [“That could be it”]

Magenta: Ahhhh! I grow veary of this vorld! [“And this accent!”]
Vhen shall ve return to Transylvania, huh?
[“A veek from Vednesday, ven else?”]
[as Riff turns Magenta towards him: “Going, going,…”]

Frank: Magenta, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother
Riff Raff. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours
shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood
takes me, I can be quite generous.

[“She’s gone!”]

Magenta: I ask for nothing…nothing. [“under twelve inches”]

Frank: And you shall receive it…in abundance!
[“What does Brad want to do?” or “Frank, what’s your favorite
high protein drink?”] Come, we are ready for the floor show!

[chant “elbow sex” until they have it.]
[That’s statutory rape! Isn’t it marble-ous?]
Get that roach (or crab) off Janet’s arm”]
[“Poor Dr. Scott – he’s always getting fucked over.”]

Narrator: And so, by some extraordinary co-incidence, fate, it seemed,
had decided that Brad and Janet should keep that appointment
with their friend, Dr. Everett Scott. But it was to be in a
situation which none of them would have possibly foreseen.
And, just a few hours after announcing their engagement,
Brad and Janet had both tasted [“Frank’s cock]
…forbidden fruit. [“Same thing!”] This in itself was proof
that their host was a man of of little morals [“Yay little morals”]
…and some persuasion. [“Gay persuasion”] What
further indignities were they to be subjected to? [“Oral sex with a
gerbil.”] And what of the floor show that is spoken of?
[“Where do you masturbate?”] In an empty house?
[“When do you masturbate?”] In the middle of the night? [“The rates
are cheaper!”] What diabolical plan had seized Frank’s crazed
imagination? [“The same one that seized your fucking neck.”]
[or echo “What diabolical chicken stepped on this man’s forehead?”]
What indeed? From what had gone before, it was clear that this
was to be [“Can we have a picnic?”] no picnic. [“Aw!” (dejectedly),
“and I brought the ants.”]

A. FLOOR SHOW part I

ROSE TINT MY WORLD

(Frank is running around making preparations while the others are
frozen on the stage.) [“See what happens when you don’t swallow?”]
[“The first MIT graduate” as he plays with the lights]

(unfreeze Columbia)
Columbia: It was great when it all began. [“Hip hip”]
I was a regular Frankie fan.
But it was over when he had the plan
To start a-working on a muscle man.
Now the only thing that gives me hope [“Is smoking dope”]
Is my love of a certain dope.
Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

(Unfreeze – Rocky)

Rocky: I’m just seven hours old, [“And can’t dance”]
And truly beautiful to behold. [“and modest too”]
And somebody should be told [“I can’t sing”]
My libido hasn’t been controlled.
Now the only thing I’ve come to trust [“Is Janet’s bust”]
Is an orgasmic rush of lust. [“same thing”]
Rose tints my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

(Unfreeze – Brad)

Brad: It’s beyond me; [“Who do you want to fuck now?”] help me Mommy!
I’ll be good; you’ll see.
Take this dream away. [echo “scarf” over “dream”]
What’s this? [“the floor”] Let’s see, [“That’s your leg.”]
I feel sexy!
What’s come over me? [“Frank”]
Woo! Here it comes again.

(unfreeze – Janet)

Janet: I feel released; [echo “real cheap”] bad times deceased.
My confidence has increased; reality is here.
The game has been disbanded; my mind has been expanded.
It’s a gas that Frankie’s landed! [“Show us where!”]
His lust is so sincere.
[“Blow me a kiss!”]

FLOOR SHOW part II

(Fanfare and RKO logo appears)
[“What the fuck is a radio picture?”]
[answer: “It’s a picture of a radio, what else?” or “MTV”]

DON’T DREAM IT

Frank: Whatever happened to Fay Wray? [“She went ape-shit!” or
“She got fucked by a forty-foot ape”]
That delicate, satin-draped frame?
As it clung to her thigh [“What? the ape-shit?”]
How I started to cry [“You’d cry too if you were fucked by a forty-
foot ape”]
’cause I wanted to be dressed just the same. [“But you are!”]
[“Kick that cock! The stage is getting a hard-on”]
Give yourself over to absolute pleasure.
Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh.
Erotic nightmares, beyond any measure
And sensual daydreams to treasure forever.
Can’t you just see it? Oh, oh, oh.

[“Waiter, there’s a transvesite in my soup!” “So? Eat
him!” “I can’t, I’m a vegetarian.” “So, he’s a fruit!”]
[“New, fruit-filled Lifesavers (or Queerios) – don’t look
for them in the market, they eat each other.”]
[“Hey Frank went down on the Titanic. Frank, you’ll go down on
anything. No wonder no seamen survived”]
[“I didn’t know Michaelangelo did pools”]

Don’t dream it, be it. (four times)
[echo “Don’t drink it, we peed in it” each time]

All: Don’t dream it, be it. (twelve times)

[“Use the force!”]
(Unfreeze – Scott. In on sixth time)

Scott: Ach! [“Choo”] We’ve got to get [“the fuck”] out of this trap
[“and into that one”] before this decadence [“Yay decadence!”]
saps our wills. I’ve got to be strong, and try to
hang on [“to my cheeks”], or else my mind may well snap
[“crackle pop”] and my life will be lived [“in a bowl of Rice
Krispies!”] …for the thrills!

Brad: It’s beyond me; help me Mommy! [“Shut him up, Columbia!”]

Janet: God bless Lilly St. Cyr.

FLOOR SHOW part III

WILD AND UNTAMED THING
[“Frank, whose pool is this and tell us thirteen times”]
Frank: My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my…y!
I’m a wild and an untamed thing.
I’m a bee with a deadly sting.
You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
Your heart’ll thump and your blood will sing.
So let the party and the sounds rock on.
We’re gonna shake it ’till the life has gone.
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

[“One two three four”]

All: We’re a wild and an untamed thing.
We’re a bee with a deadly sting.
You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
Your heart’ll thump and your blood will sing.
So let the party and the sounds rock on.
We’re gonna shake it ’till the life has gone.
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

We’re a wild and an untamed thing.
We’re a bee with a deadly sting.
You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
Your heart’ll thump and your blood will sing.
So let the party and the sounds rock on.
We’re gonna shake it ’till the life has gone.
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

Riff Raff: Frank-N-Furter, it’s all over.
Your mission is a failure;
Your lifestyle’s too extreme. [echo “hairstyle’s”]
I’m your new commander; [echo “hairdresser” over “commander”]
You now are my prisoner. [echo “customer” over “prisoner”]
We return to Transylvania.
Prepare the transit beam.

Frank: [“What do you say when you get caught fucking the
neighbor’s dog, Mimi?”]
Wait! [“Can you explain?”] I can explain! [“It was a nice dog.”]
[“It better be good – you got shot last week”]
[“You get the lights, you get something else. The second
MIT graduate!”]

I’M GOING HOME
[“And now, for one night, and one night only, Judy Garland with
Alfalfa’s shadow and the Mormon Transvestite Choir”]

Frank: On the day I went away…

All: Goodbye… [“big fucking deal”]

Frank: Was all I had to say…

All: Now I… [“Who fucking cares”]

Frank: I want to come again, [“So does Brad”] and stay. [“hard”]

All: Oh, my, my…

Frank: Smile, and that will mean I may. [echo “I’m gay” over “I may”]
’cause I’ve seen, oh, blue skies
Through the tears in my eyes
And I realize, [“I look like shit”] I’m going home.

All: I’m going home.

[“Miss Piggy on acid!”]
(Magenta yawns) [“Bitch!”]
[“Where do you masturbate (fuck)?”]

Frank: Everywhere [“How’s it been each time?”] it’s been the same…

All: …feeling…
[“What’s it like when Brad cums in your face?”]

Frank: …like I’m outside in the rain…

All: …wheeling…
[“How much do you charge for a blow job?”]

Frank: …free [“I’ll take two to go please”] to try and find a game…

All: …dealing…

[When you see the Betty Ford look alikes…
“It’s Betty Ford! And that isn’t Gerry! Look, it’s another
Betty Ford, it’s a Betty Ford convention”]

Frank: …cards for sorrow, cards for pain. [“deal me in” throw CARDS]
’cause I’ve seen, oh, blue skies
Through the tears in my eyes
And I realize, [“I still look like shit.”] I’m going home.

Frank & All: I’m going home. (3 times)

(applause, then audience disappears)

[“Look it’s a Menudo concert! (or whoever’s
unpopular at the moment)”]

Magenta: How sentimental. [“bitch!”]

Riff Raff: And also presumptuous of you. [“F”] You see [“K”], when I said WE
were to return to Transylvania, [“I was speaking bad French”]
I referred only to Magenta [“Who’s Magenter?”] and myself.
I’m sorry, however, if you found my words misleading, but
you see, you are to remain here, in spirit, [echo “fishnets” over
“spirit”] anyway.

Scott: Great heavens! That’s a laser!

Riff Raff: Yes, Dr. Scott. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure
anti-matter. [“Then it’s not a laser!”]

Brad: You mean…you’re going to kill him? What’s his crime?

Scott: You saw what became of Eddie. Society must be protected.
[“Fuck society!”]

Riff Raff: Exactly, Dr. Scott. And now, Frank-N-Furter, your time has
come. [“Like everyone else in this movie”]
Say goodbye to all of this, [“Goodbye, all of this”]
and hello [“Hello”] to oblivion.
[“Hi, oblivion. How’s the wife and kids?”]
[“Stand up and take it like a transvestite.”]
[“A blink of the eye, a twitch of the lips, the first one to scream
gets it right between the tits!”]
(Columbia screams – gets zapped)
[“Oh shit, it works! It didn’t work in rehearsal!”]
(Frank tries to escape by climbing the curtain)
[“Go under the curtain! Under! Didn’t you ever watch
Sesame Street?”]
(Frank screams – gets zapped, falls)
[“Curtain, thank you. Rope please! Thank you!”]
(Rocky stumbles to Frank’s body) [“Out of my way, I know CPR]

Rocky_Horror_throne_screencap

Thanks for reading this fun little special feature, and may it help all of you on your own future Rocky Horror outings!
Remember, it’s all in fun!  and of course… “don’t dream it, be it.” =)

-Dave Harlequin
Editor: Nerd Nation Magazine

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